a mindful mess

new shoes

2010-02-05T12:35:00.001-08:00

i just got new running shoes. and i took them for their first run about an hour ago... and i thought a lot about new shoes on that run.

first, they were the best find of my life... i had an REI gift card and wanted to put it towards new running shoes. so i went to the store to see what they had in stock. they didn't have what i was looking for in my size so i left empty handed. being persistent i thought i would look on-line to see what rei had on sale. But... also know that i wanted a shoe that was right for me. thanks to shoedog (an online tool that asks several questions about your running and recommends shoes that would be a good fit) i learned that Solomon Wings were a good shoe for me... only they are expensive. it just so happened that rei had last years model on sale. but, only size 5 or 11. Bummer. Didn't give up! I called REI to see if they could check their inventory to see if any stores still had a pair in my size. One store. One Pair. In Pennsylvania. So i called and they mailed them to me! SCORE! (and I still have some money on my gift card... REI you have a most faithful customer)

so running in new shoes i realized that i always buy different models. why i don't just buy the pair that i know i like? i think its because i like variety. i like adventure. i like to try new things. some people have 10 pairs of the same shoe stocked up because they like consistency. they know it works and probably live by a philosophy of 'if it's not broke, don't fix it.' So i'm always surprised by what shoes i end up with. It usually takes me a few runs to like them. Then, once i like them, I'm usually very reluctant to replace them. That is how I've felt about the previous pair of shoes. We had a rough beginning. Blisters in funky places. Not convinced they were right for me but something about them kept finding their way to my feet. They turned into a glove on my foot... snug, light, and entirely functional! One pair of shoes had pink on them. I called them 'twinkle toes'. So maybe all this is worth noting... that i like change, yet i also get comfortable and resist change when it's time. And more than likely, i'm not going to choose something i've chosen before. good note to self.

one more thing... running shoes are meant to be dirty I've made fun of friends whose running shoes are sparkly. i always run in the mud to get my shoes dirty... because the dirt is what helps give them life! interesting is that i don't hold to that philosophy in my own life. i tend to play it safe. stay clean. avoid the mud. maybe it would prove beneficial to take a lesson my my shoes and get a bit dirty... experience a bit more of life... i'll think about that one!

thank you new running shoes.

junior high girls

2010-01-29T10:27:00.000-08:00

i need to blow off some steam. in working on articulating my doctrine of election in two pages or less (thanks mars for teaching me to be concise-- sarcasm... yes!) i have read a few things that make me realize that the church (in general) is like a bunch of junior high girls.**

In working with teenagers, I found that the cliques formed in junior high are the source of greatest security paralleled with violence. Girls form groups based on common understanding and acceptance-- thus finding security. However, they use that security as a means of exclusion to other girls, mostly because their fear their security being tampered with. So while finding great beauty in their sense of community, they also send out violent acts towards others who might act or think differently than themselves. Then one day, a girl decides that something about the group isn't okay with her, or she 'accidentally' speaks her mind about something that the rest of the girls disagree with. The next day she is ostracized and kicked out... usually with much verbal violence. She wanders and finds herself accepted in another group which has the same dynamics as the previous, only with a different set of common understanding.

Hardly anyone I know says that junior high were her best days. In fact, most say that they wouldn't go back, no matter what they were paid. And, most that I know carry deep wounds that inform their adult lives (myself included)

so here is the question... how is the current state of the church any different that this experience? we claim our 'specialness' in the christian community, yet then we use that as a form of judgement towards those who don't participate or believe in the christian doctrine. the church tends to ostracize those who question or speak their mind. and the in the name of God, blood seems to be shed quite readily. this is because of the power that comes with being 'elect'... being chosen.

in learning about the development of a person into maturity... a sign of adulthood is being able to tolerate difference, to think and believe for oneself, and to actively participate in community with one's gifts and resources. i think the church gets this on it's good days, as it is the reminder of community, of grace, and of hospitality. however, on it's not so good days, it reverts back to formation of doctrine that much resembles that of adolescents... such as a doctrine that says some are 'saved' and some are predetermined as recipients of God's wrathful justice... perhaps it is because as a culture we are more adolescent than we care to admit... that we find our security in externally defined realities rather than a deep seeded trust in our internal sense of self.

i like these words of Margrit Ernst-Habib... "Our first task in approaching another [people, culture, religion] is to take off our shoes for the place we are approaching is holy. Else we may find ourselves treading on men's dreams. More seriously, we may forget that God was here before our arrival." (found in "Chosen by Grace: Reconsidering the Doctrine of Predestination")...

those seem most like Jesus to me!

**my disclaimer is that this is not my thought-out, well formed argument... just the thoughts that have come in working on my paper.

ode to the left

2010-01-17T17:35:00.000-08:00

don't worry, this isn't a political post... but it is about the left. My left leg that is. I've noticed over the past few years that when I try to balance on my left leg, I can do so quite well. However, on my right leg, I struggle to balance at all. The irony is that I'm a righty. I use my right hand or foot as dominant. So why do I balance better on my left? Here is my theory...

I suffered a major injury to my left knee when I was in high school. In order to play basketball again, I underwent major surgery and a long rehabilitation process. So, for 5 years, my left knee was a major source of my time and attention. I've spent plenty of hours doing exercises with just that leg. I've endured physical therapy (what I kindly coined Pain and Torture), in which my leg was put in all sorts of contraptions to rebuild it's strength and coordination. Funny thing is that at the time, it was just what I had to do to get back on the court. It didn't seem like a big deal. Now, I'm realizing the time, energy and cost that process took. But perhaps my body recognizes the cost as well. Because while my left leg is still smaller in girth than my right, it is stronger and more stable. I remember my knee doctor (who by the way is extremely attractive) telling me that my left ACL is now stronger than my right, and I risk actually injuring my right knee because I will overcompensate with what I think is my stronger leg, when in actuallity it is not (let's hope this doesn't happen).

What does this mean? Maybe that what we think is strong, really isn't strong? And when we think that 'bigger' is better, maybe that isn't always the case. And maybe, just maybe, when we spend a lot of time and energy on healing ourselves, we end up, maybe not as 'big' as we want to be but we are much healthier. I think that is the point for me right now.

alive...

2010-01-14T18:34:00.000-08:00

in a conversation with my friend Lily, i was reminded of the power of music. We were talking about teenagers and how the music they listen to so often communicates something that they can't or won't. And how adults are so quick to judge what a teenager is listening to rather than listen to what a teenager is communicating about herself. When I think of my own life, music has helped communicate on my behalf. It has drawn me to my own emotions. It has allowed my body to release emotion...

speaking of, tonight my roommate's body needed to communicate itself to "I've Got A Feeling" by Black Eyed Peas via a dance party in my bedroom... (i let her read this and she said it was more like body spasms rather than dance moves... but anybody who has seen me dance would say that dancing=spasms)

so each year I make a mix of my favorite music from the year. It's called the Christmas Mix because I give it out as a Christmas gift to friends and family. I love this annual gift because I get to share myself and from the feedback I get, the mix is a much anticipated thing. Each year has new variety... like Celine Dion's guest appearance last year. This year I asked recipients to give a one word description of what the mix... to see if those words matched my experience of 2009. I've only had one friend respond but her response feels so very true... ALIVE.

ALIVE because it has the fullness of emotion. One can listen and connect with the variety of emotions that come with being alive. TRUE because this past year has been a journey of embracing the fullness of my emotions, in which I feel much more alive. Much more free. ME.

if you'd like to play the game, let me know and I'll send you the mix...

beginnings... keep breathing

2010-01-08T17:54:00.000-08:00

its a new year and so i thought i would try my hand at some new things... 1) enter into the world of blogging; 2) yoga. I would not describe myself as a writer, nor would i describe myself as the 'yoga' type (nor would my friend Megan... she experienced my true yoga beginning). But, in the past week I've realized I don't need to fit either of those ideals in order to embark on this journey with connecting my heart with my body and my head. So, after completing my fifth session of yoga today (not five today, today marked #5), I am finally ready to write about it. Don't worry, this isn't a blog focused on yoga. It's a blog focused on my process of learning to be messy. It's a creative outlet promoting the integration what I'm learning intellectually with my felt and embodied experiences. I am a runner. I can say that proudly. I love running. And maybe someday this will all connect together into a philosophy of running that isn't ruled by mileage, a stop watch, hills, sprint work outs, etc. Maybe I will run the boston marathon because I'm connected to my internal world rather than running from it!

BREATHE... The instructor I enjoy most continues to have the class focus on our breathing. That our breathe is what is important, not the strength or posture of the pose. So, I breathe. And, when I breathe I feel my body. Sometimes I hold my breath without realizing it... mostly because I'm trying to hold the pose correctly more than I am focusing on my breath. The other day, while in a pose, I felt so off balance and about to fall. The instructor said "breathe... breathe... breathe..." and I did and I held the pose-- wobbly and all. Then and there I had a moment. Even when I feel wobbly, I can breathe. So maybe I can embrace my wobbility (I plan to make up words, by the way), and keep breathing.